Ground Zero

I stopped blogging because I thought I just didn't have enough time for it.  I'd get behind and that would overwhelm me and so I wouldn't blog even if I had time.  Instagram seemed like a much better way to document our lives and with the ease of automatically getting books printed, it really was better. But today I've hit a low. I'm talking crying while doing the dishes, can't catch my breath crying, low.  After I calmed down a bit, I was able to tell Jacob exactly the reason for my crying.  He knew the big reason; it's HARD being a mom to 7 young boys.  But it was more than that tonight.  I had been yelled at all day, either because I was making my innocent sons clean up the floor AGAIN! (for the second time the whole day), because I needed to look at Max eat each bite of his Mac and Cheese, or watch Ryan stick the fork in his mouth, or watch Christopher climb up the stairs on the hand rail (something I've asked him not to do), because Max was standing on a toy and fell off and bumped Thomas down, because I took something from Spencer and now he feels like he needs to scream at me for the next 10 minutes to get back at me, because their brother is talking to me but what they have to say is more important, or because someone hurt someone so badly they needed to scream bloody murder. And that's just what I can think of from today, off the top of my head.

But it's not just my kids tearing me down emotionally, I'm adding to the mix as well.  I've had a hard time getting a voice out of my head saying I'm not good enough.  My house is not clean enough, my children aren't clean enough, my children are too loud, too messy, too rude, and selfish. I'm doing a lousy job at this mom thing.  But to add to it today, I saw family pictures that were taken for the Morrise side.  They really are great pictures, and I love our individual family's one, the boys are so adorable.  But the first thing I thought of when I saw me was, "My gosh you've gotten fat." My face is bigger than I'd like, and although I look at myself each day it's nothing like looking at much anticipated family photos to realize this.  And all day I've been battling myself on my self image. And while I'm crying Steven comes up to tell me that his brothers are doing the exact opposite of what they need to be doing.  In my tearful state I say, "Go talk to your dad. I'm done being mom." Which started a whole new slew of tears. Yes, I need a break from being mom at night, but I don't ever want my boys to think I want to stop being THEIR mom. Hence the new low, but no more.

Starting now, I'm going to blog or journal more at night.  I've always said I'm just too tired at night so all I can do it lie down, scroll through facebook and watch a show or two with Jacob. But I'm going to force myself to write down my feeling from the day. Remind myself that I am a human being who's trying her best to do what she was meant to do. And even if it feels like I'm failing, hopefully I'll be able to see moments when I wasn't.

As I've been beating myself down lately a realization came to me, I'm raising 7 (almost 8) boys who will turn into young men who will turn into men. No wonder Satan wants for me to get discouraged and shrink from my job, he KNOWS what a powerful impact these boys will have for good.  If he can get me to get stuck in my head and form small cracks in the foundation I'm trying to lay every single day, there might be a chance for him to get to these boys. And nothing brings out my momma bear instinct than to think of my children struggling in any aspect of their life. I just wish that feeling would last and be that strong all day every day. But the truth is I forget. I get tired, frustration, lose patience, lose my cool.  But I'm hoping that with writing down my feelings and impressions I get throughout the day, hopefully slowly but surely I'll be able to resist those feelings more. I can enjoy the little and big moments of each of my children every day. I can let my boys see there is joy in parenthood, and that there is nothing I'd rather be doing with my life than to raise them.
-side note: When Steven came upstairs to get his blanket and said that he loved me, I asked if he knew that I loved being his mom. He said, "No. I know you love me. But I don't know that you love being my mom." Tears swell up again as I tell him how much I love being his mom even if it's hard sometimes and it's hard for me to show it. Really something for me to work on.

Jacob had his tonsils removed a week ago tomorrow and man has it been a hard week. Neither of us were expecting it to be this hard. It's been SO painful for him (he's spent most of the last 6 days in bed) and it's been emotionally hard for me to try and make him as comfortable as I can and also try to care for our boys, but keep them quiet so they don't bother dad. And to just physically do everything myself, no help with the chores or putting the kids to bed, the little things I've been taking for granted that Jacob helped with.  So here's to tomorrow. A new start. A chance for me to be better, stronger, and more committed to being the best mom I can be.

Daily schedule

I made a list of what usually happens every day for my mom while she watched the boys when we were in the hospital with Thomas.  I thought it would be good for me to remember later in life.


Watch what you leave on the counter, Spencer and Max will find it and make a mess

Spencer and Max like ice water in their sippy cups and will often ask you to refill it when it's only half empty.

Make sure the toy closet is closed or Spencer and Max will dump out as many bins as they can as fast as they can.

Watch Spencer and Max, they will move chairs anywhere to get whatever is dangerous or messy.

Spencer and Max like to put on hand sanitizer on after they get their diaper changed.

William and Ryan will fight.

William and Ryan will try and get you to put on their underwear, but they can do it.  Free their hands up or tell them they can do underwear and you'll help with their pants.

William and Ryan will get a new pair of underwear every time they go.  I don't love it, but I tolerate it.

William and Ryan will still come and tell you, while dancing, that they need to go to the bathroom.  Rush them there as soon as you can!

William, Ryan, and Christopher like to take off their shirts and throw them up in the air.  I don't love it, but it keeps them busy without making a mess so it can't be all bad.

Christopher will try and pin his brothers against each other and bribe them to do things he wants by saying he'll buy them something in the near future.  I don't like it, but I tolerate it.

Be patient with Steven, he's trying to figure out where he belongs in the family.  With Christopher always playing with William and Ryan and again loving to leave some brothers out of the action, Steven can be emotional.  Luckily he will calm down if you give him something to do, especially if it's with you.

7: get up and make breakfast/read scriptures
7:30:  make sure Steven is dressed and eating.
7:45:  Take Steven to school
8:00:  Get babies up and give everyone else breakfast if they haven't already started eating.
8:30:  Start clean up: unload dishes, save the silverware for Christopher.  Unload dryer, try to have William and Ryan help though they probably won't.  Either move laundry from washer to dryer and put a load in the washer.  Try and make William and Ryan collect all the dirty underwear and pants on the bathroom floor, though they probably won't.  Change and dress Spencer and Max.  Try and get the older three dressed, especially if they want to go outside.  Get dressed and somewhat ready for the day.
(Mondays: 8:45-9:45: William and Ryan have talking time)
10:30 ish:  Play with the kids either outside or legos or reading.  Or let them watch a show while you pick up another part of the house or sit down and watch it with them depending on how you feel.
11:30:  Make lunch and feed the kids.
12: Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday take Christopher to preschool, Put the kids to bed
12-2: quite time, homework time with William and Ryan.
2: wake kids up, pick up Christopher and Steven.
2:20: Have snack, let Steven play with brothers.
2:40: Do homework with Steven.
3:00: Random play with boys
4:30/5: Start dinner let kids watch a show if they aren't playing well amongst themselves.
6: dinner, hopefully Jacob's home.
6:30: Random play
7: Put Spencer and Max to bed, have kids help clean up
7:30: Put triplets to bed, listen to Steven read.
8: Steven goes to bed, finish cleaning: vacuum and dishes.
8:30: start relaxing
9: grab a snack, start a show, movie with Jacob
10:30/11: sleep.

Daily Moments from 2015

Probably around March I started to write down things the boys have said or done that just make me laugh out loud and want to remember.  Here's the list.

Me: "Spencer is giving me... (I was going to say a funny look)
Steven:  "...the willies?"

Max biting William because he put his finger in Max's mouth

Ryan randomly showing up while we get ready for bed.

Jacob jokingly said we'll put Steven to bed then the rest of us will go to the museum.
Steven:  No.  That's bad parenting.

The boys singing, "Dead man, dead man, come alive, before I count to the number 1... ONE"

After Jacob sprayed water on Christopher's face.
Jacob: What that mean?
Christopher: Yes.
Jacob: Am I a mean dad?
Christopher: No, you're still an awesome dad. You're an awesome dad every day.

William bringing me his underwear and said, "Cookie mom."
Me: How do I know you went pee? Did Dad see you?
William: No
Me: Did anyone see you?
William:  Yeah. Ne! (Me)

On the way home from Walmart at 8:30.
Jacob: If it's not 8:00 you boys can watch a show when we get home.  Oops, it's 8:30. Too bad.
Steven:  Then we get to watch a movie! You said if it's not 8, and it's not 8.  It's 8:30!

A glimpse into a moment:
Apples everywhere boys shouting and throwing items at each other. Then 10 minutes later...
Steven and Christopher coloring, William and Ryan quietly playing and Spencer and Max playing nearby me while eating or else they'd cry.

Christopher: Can I eat when we get home?
Me: You can have a banana.
Steven: You could have a monster from your nose!

Jacob: Christopher, what's your favorite number?
Christopher: Two.
Jacob: Why is it two?
Christopher: Because it goes one. two.  That's my favorite part: one, two!

Jacob: What's wrong with that child?
Me:  He's a mix between you and me...
Jacob:  Oh yeah, that explains it.

Ryan pumping on the swings

The triplets singing Mr. Downtown from "The Thing You Do"

William and Ryan opening the James Hinckley's stall and then giving each other swirlies when Jacob took them to the bathroom at church.

We passed a car wash fundraiser for a family's adoption, it was $5.  I was explaining to Steven what a fundraiser was.
Me:  You pay them five dollars and they wash your car.
Stven: Oh and then you get a child?

Ryan: Me hold hand mama?

William talking about the new trampoline:  Boing boing high!

Christopher:  Where does Isla live?  She's my friend. I bumped into her backpack and we both smiled.

Christopher: Spencer has a big tummy.  And a big beehive!
Me: Beehive?
Christopher pats his bum

Ryan:  Baby Tom come out your tum! MOM! Baby Tom come out your tum!

Ryan: Baby Tom so cute! Baby Tom so little!

Christopher: I love Thomas more than anyone in the world!
Jacob: More than mom!?
Christopher: Yep!

Ryan brought me a burp rag that matches a blanket we have and said: Oh no! Blanket broken!

William: Mom, what you do ing?

Ryan while we're driving in the van: "Mom, look at me!"  I look back to see William with his face sideways but his eyes to the front looking at me with his tongue sticking out about to touch Ryan or doing a chomping motion as if he's going to eat Ryan.

Ryan:  Get off of me!

Max: Stop it!

Steven talking about new year resolutions:  Yea, but no one ever does it.  They might for a few days but then they don't do it anymore.
Jacob: Who told you that?
Steven: No one.  I just learned it.  I only did mine last year for like half a day.

December 2015

As always here is our month in pictures!

Sleeping boys

 Steven got the Student of the Month, which we were proud of but when we got a postcard telling us why he did we were even more proud.  We want him to do his best and succeed academically but more than that we want him to be a good person and friend and that's just what he's been doing.  He got it for including everyone, helping others, and being a friend to everyone.  That's my boy.

Because there's nothing better than Christmas and babies

These two are really coming out of their shells and we love it!

Once again, babies and Christmas are magical

 Baking cookies with Grandma

Spencer loves this little tree

Sweet Angel Baby

Christopher sure loves Thomas

Ryan loves Thomas just as much!

 I wanted to put Thomas in a stocking but by the time I got around to it, he was already so big!

This picture makes me laugh!

Pulled him out a bit and that's better

 Max and Spencer are good about having Thomas around, they just love to point out all his cute features.  Which may or may not be a good thing...

 We got our pictures taken by my amazingly talented friend Jenn!

Out shopping afterwards

Spencer and his pretzel

 Steven has had a tooth that was loose for a long time and after going to the dentist he we found out his grown up tooth was coming in and way out of place because the tooth was still there so Jacob had to bribe him multiple multiple times to let him pull it out, but we did it!

Waiting in line to play with dad.

 Christopher lost his first tooth at church...during sacrament meeting.  Jacob didn't think it would hurt him so he bribed him with a big cookie with pink frosting.  It did hurt and Christopher cried.  He later told me, "Dad really shouldn't have pulled my tooth."

While trying to take a nap, Thomas threw up on me.  LOADS of milk came out.  But being the great tired mom I am I just went to sleep and changed my clothes when I woke up.

I noticed he wasn't a newborn anymore when I saw this cute double chin.

 Hall Family Party

Thomas with his first Christmas present from his Great Great Aunt Darce

 I wanted to take a picture of Spencer with Uncle Wayne since Spencer's middle name is after him, but Spencer wasn't having it!

 So Jacob stepped in to help out and they came up with this picture.

 Then a normal one.

Dentist visit for William, Ryan, and me and Christopher had his cavities filled.  William and Ryan did great and neither of them or me had cavities and Christopher was brave and was great until the end then he started crying we think just because he was tired of being there.

Max is a master at getting out of his clothes.  We are also now duct taping his diaper because he likes to take it off numerous times.

 Thomas's first time at church AND first smile for the camera. He's TOO cute!

We made the trek to Salt Lake City to see the Temple Square lights and had such a great time.  We stopped at Denny's first (kids eat free!) for dinner and the boys got the cutest reindeer pancakes and were pretty well behaved.  I LOVE when we can do things as a family that we would do with only a few kids.  Making memories with my family warms my heart. 

The water was the biggest hit

The boys loved watching dad pay for parking

A vendor that Jacob works with in China gave his this for Christmas;
we're told it's the symbol of fertility. Because we're blessed in that area.

 Gingerbread House Making

(boy's playing with frosting)

William

Ryan

William

Steven

Christopher

Christopher

Ryan

Ryan

Steven

Christmas Card Tree

 Christmas Eve

Cute Thomas

Stockings and Presents ready!

Three boys asleep and Steven awake.
He finished It's a Wonderful Life then watched part
of Elf and The Grinch before he fell asleep.

 Christmas Morning

Playing Connect 4 while waiting for brothers to wake up

Spencer made this face for a full minute

Max checking out his stocking

Steven, Christopher, and William looking into their stockings

Spencer hoarding other people's treats

Thomas with his loot.

We only bought him one of those.
The bear was from his Great Great Aunt Darce
and the lamb from Grandma Morrise

breakfast with their own cereal

Last year Christmas morning was a bust!  The boys stormed through their presents, throwing them aside and whining till they got to open another one.  Then instead of playing with their new things they fought with each other; Jacob and I were done with the day by 9:30.  This time the boys each got three presents; if it's good enough for Jesus it's good enough for them!  They each got a sweater, a lego set, and a nerf gun.  (well Spencer and Max didn't get a lego set, they got a ball instead).  And just like that the morning was pretty great!  We built legos together and played with our guns together, so much better than last year.

kind of blurry, Christopher working on his legos

Steven working on his aim

Christopher

 What was going on at 10:27 a.m.

Max playing at the batman house with some almonds

Spencer sitting and watching it all happen

Ryan, Christopher, and William playing with their nerf guns

Jacob teaching Steven how to play pool on his new little pool table.

Thomas sad his binky won't stay in his mouth

I was making cookies with my new cookie cutters Jacob gave me

Nerf Gun Wars!

I love Steven with his hands up here.

Spencer loved playing with Jacob

After lunch on Christmas we headed to Soda Springs for my family's Christmas Party.  We had a great time and even got pictures with our Great Grandma! (my pictures didn't turn out great on my phone but others did that I'll have to switch out later)

All the great grandkids with Grandma

We stayed in Soda over the weekend and played basketball, watched the free matinee, relaxed and chatted.  It was really great.

There was always someone willing to hold Thomas

Sunday morning I got up thinking I needed to hurry and get everyone ready for 9 a.m. church, but when the bishop got up that morning it was -24 degrees so he pushed back church an hour and canceled the other blocks. He hoping for the weather to warm up, and it did to -4.  It was perfect for us since I'm not sure how my boys would have reacted going to class.  I just love to see the boys in matching sweaters!

Max was great at putting the grandkid angels on and off the tree.

We left after lunch on Sunday and made a stop in Roy to see Jacob's grandparents and luckily his Uncle, Aunt, and Cousin who live in Korea were visiting so we got to spend time with them as well.  We always love to stop by and see Grandma and Grandpa Morrise.

I loved Ryan and William's sleeping position

A few days later my parents came to help out, my boys really love when they come.

Target practice for the boys.  Christopher came and said,
"MOM! Spencer's winning!"

Thomas is getting SO big!

New Years Eve the boys wanted to see if Jacob could win some stuffed animals for them.  He won one with his first dollar and all he had left was a five dollar bill so he had 20 tries and got 3 more, the boys were excited.  The best was when he got two on one round.

Spencer was being a pill in Walmart and would scream when we took things out of his hands he wanted to buy.  Here he thought it didn't matter that I said no to this big pink bike he was going to wheel it away anyway!  Sadly he couldn't move it himself and it made him SO frustrated.  I was half laughing half wanting to stick him in a sound proof room for the rest of his life.

Spencer, the keeper of the baby.