Because of Him

This Easter morning I can find nothing wrong with my life.  I feel this overwhelming love and joy for my family, friends, and all those around me.  Because of Him.  Because of my Savior, who has not only lived a perfect life as an example for me to follow but He atoned for my sins and weaknesses and then died so that I could live again.  But then here's the best part, not only will I be able to live again but I can live with my family, my loved ones.  My family that I grew up in that I love so dearly, my family that I was so fortunate to marry into that is so wonderful, and my adorable little family of boys that Jacob and I have created.

Because of Him I can try to be better day after day after day.  And when I fail just as often, He is there to lift me up and give me strength to go on.  Because of my Savior, Jesus Christ, I can find peace, joy, hope, and beauty in my life and the lives around me. Because of Him.

Note to Self

Today my boys come home; when my life will really start.  I'll be honest, I'm scared.  Maybe it's because it's just been me, Jacob, Max, and Spencer for the past week that it's hard to think of what life will be like with 4 more boys.  Will I have the strength and endurance for this?  I'm worried I won't.  But as I was adding these last posts, I noticed this note to myself that I started and never published.  And although I'm still not sure how it will work out, this was exactly what I needed to hear.  So for when I'm having a hard time, this one's for me.

Dear Cassanda,
Sometimes it's hard.  A lot of times it's beautiful and fun and stressful yes but you truly find joy raising these small children.  But for when it gets hard, because it will, please reread this letter many many times.  After you found out you were pregnant with twins you had a low night.  The tears wouldn't stop coming, and you knew you needed a blessing from your husband.  You needed to know what Heavenly Father would say to you in the low times.  What was said wasn't an easy way out, but it provided you with the peace and calm that you need during these times.  He said that this time in your life wasn't meant to be easy.  It's suppose to be hard, but you will grow a lot spiritually.  You will learn what you need to help your family, your extended family, your friends, and neighbors.  This time is not suppose to be easy, but it's worth it.

The day you found out you were having twins, Susan called from Korea.  In the conversation she mentioned that week she and Marshall gave many talks on the Lord's will to the missionaries.  They told them that sometimes all they may want is to be a great missionary and bring the gospel to many many people, but that might not be what the Lord wants for them.  He might need them to struggle to learn the lessons they need, to be there for others they need to be.  You instantly took this to heart.  Maybe I'm not suppose to be that supermom who has their kids in cute clean clothes all the time, sitting in a spotless clean home, who does fun activities that are educational as well.  Maybe it's YOUR plan to struggle.  To cringe when others come to eat at your house and you see that the chairs haven't been wiped down in the last month or so.  You're suppose to be the mom who may not have the most nutritious meal on the table, but your kids know they will be fed.  You're not suppose to be perfect, don't feel bad when your not.  The sooner you embrace your limitations, the better.  You are raising BOYS for heavens sake.  They don't care if things are clean, tidy, nutritious, educational, pinterest worthy.  They want you.  They want your hugs, smiles, tickles, and acceptance.

The first Sunday after you found out at church you sang an intermediate hymn.  I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go. It has also given you the peace to go on.  "It may not be on a mountain height or over the stormy sea, it may not be at the battle's front My Lord will have need of me.  But if, by a still, small voice he calls to paths that I do not know, I'll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in thine, I'll go where you want me to go."

Since They've Been Gone

My angel mother, father, and sister have been taking care of our older boys while I try to recover and spend some time getting to know our cute new additions.  Here are some pictures that my mom and sister have texted me since they took the boys back to Idaho with them.

Playing at the library (they just happened to have 

an exhibit of Safari animals at our small town library)

Going for walks

Going to the park

Watching General Conference

Folding their arms for the prayer.

Playing with cousins, and my favorite twin uncles were in town 

so they go to play with them as well. (I was a little jealous.)

Having puppet shows (Steven's idea)

 Watching movies

Going to story time at the library

 Finally learning to have fun in the bath

(Usually they hate it)

6 Brothers finally Meet

After quiet time my mom brought over our older boys to meet their new brothers.  Steven and Christopher were smitten and loved to hold them.  William and Ryan may have started crying when they got into the room, seeing mom hooked up to a lot of machine and holding a new baby can do that you.  But shortly they opened up: Ryan when holding a baby (sorry I have no clue which one) kept pointing and happily saying, "ooo!", William gave a couple of kisses while grandma was holding one.

First Family Photo

Proud big brothers!

Trying to show them mommy will always be theirs

A personal favorite.
Who knew my heart could love 6 boys so much.

The funnest time was when Ryan from a couple of feet from my bed looked at me holding his new brother with the biggest frown I've seen.  It finally hit him, he was not longer the youngest. Unfortunately we weren't quick enough with the camera to get a picture of the actual face, but we did get this one.

The Unexpected Delivery

It really starts the night before.  The hospital called and confirmed my induction appointment for 6:15 a.m.  I was so glad to know for sure we had a spot and could plan on what the morning would look like.  My mom and sister, Melanie, came down after school in time to say goodnight to the kids and for us to talk last minute details about what they'll need when taking the older boys.  Right before we went to bed, Jacob gave me a blessing.  First I should mention, for some reason I had felt that something would go wrong in the pregnancy or delivery.  I know crazy hormones, but I had expressed these feelings to Jacob so we were both a little scared of what the blessing might say.  But it was perfect, he blessed me that I would recover quickly so I could take care of and play with my boys soon.  He also said to pay attention to the details of the delivery, because there is a reason why the delivery would happen like it would.

That morning we woke about 5, showered, ate some breakfast, did some last minute packing, and made our way to the hospital.  We were checked in, shown to a room, I got my robe on, and answered the million questions about my health, while they monitored the baby's heart rate and my contractions.  She checked me, I was still at a 3, and fairly thick.  Then she brought out the ultrasound to make sure we could go ahead with a vaginal delivery.  To deliver vaginally my doctor likes both babies to be head down.  A lot of other doctors go ahead as long as baby A (the one who will come first) is head down, and then they feel confident that they can flip the second baby without problems.  Well, my doctor has assisted too many doctors that have tried this technique but have had problems and end up doing a c-section anyway.  Rather than taking a risk that I'd have to recover from both types of delivery, he always just sticks to a c-section if both babies aren't in prime position.  And the thought having the recover from both scares me into thinking he is right.  William and Ryan were in the perfect position and leading up to that day these babies had as well so we all thought another vaginal delivery was what we were going to get.

Laurie, who was also our delivery nurse with William and Ryan, pulled out the ultrasound, but couldn't find baby b's head.  Anywhere.  She looked for about 5 or 10 minutes then asked another nurse to come and give it try, but she had no luck either.  They told us that they weren't that good at the ultrasound and not to worry because he had recorded his heartbeat, we could see him moving, they just couldn't find him.  Dr. Nance was checking on some other patients and couldn't come but okayed us moving forward and he'd have a look when he got there.  They gave me an IV, started me on patocin, and then gave me my epidural, figuring no matter what happened we'd want all of these.  All of this happened by  9 am.  They tried to hook up the babies heart monitors again, but couldn't find baby B's heartbeat.  Every time they thought they found it, we noticed it was the exact same as baby A's.  They again said not to worry, we heard it just before and he was literally doing some awesome movement so we knew he was okay; he was just under baby A enough it was hiding B's heartbeat.  They brought in the ultrasound to look at the babies again.  They found him.  sideways (transverse).  Right then Dr. Nance came in, looked at the ultrasound, gave me a sympathetic look and told me we'd have to do a c-section.

It was 9:15 a.m. and we were going to get prepped for the operation.  At this time Jacob ran out to the car to get the camera because we figured we'd be waiting a long time and we never brought in the bag.  I called home to give them a report, but apparently scared my mom to death.  Apparently I didn't make it clear when I said we couldn't find B's heartbeat that it was okay and that's not why we were doing the c-section. I asked the nurse everything I could about what was going to happen, even though I knew this was an option I didn't think it would ever happen.  The anesthesiologist came in to boost up the drugs, I believe it was a spinal block, and explained his part in all of this.  He asked me what I had for breakfast, because he liked to know what he was going to see.  I asked if I really was going to throw up, the nurse said not EVERYONE throws up, just most people.  I was again flooded with a wave of nerves of what was about to happen.  I knew we'd be okay, it happens all the time.  It just had never happened to me.

They wheeled me into the O.R. and by this time the spinal block was really starting to work, I couldn't feel my legs.  They transferred to a smaller bed where Jacob had to hold on tight to my legs while they strapped them in; if my legs fell my whole body would have fallen off the table.  They then strapped down my arms in a T shape so I wouldn't accidentally reach for where they were operating.  They put an inflatable blanket on me to keep me warm, since I was pretty exposed in such a cold room.  They warned me because of the medicine I would have a hard time breathing, that was normal, and they even gave me some oxygen to help.  The doctors came in, put a sheet up and got to work.  It was hard for me to hear what everyone was saying, because of laying down and also the sound of the blanket and oxygen.  Everyone seemed to be upbeat and having a good time though.

It wasn't long before they told Jacob he could look behind the sheet, they were pulling out baby A, Spencer Wayne.  I lifted my head as much as I could to see my cute new son, then he was off to clean him up and to concentrate on baby B.  Two minutes later they lifted Max Gordon up for all to see and then rushed to get him cleaned up.  They started sewing me back up when Jacob came in holding our new boys.  Everyone in the room was in awe at how big they were:  Spencer weighed 7 lbs 5 oz and was 19 1/2 inches long, Max was 7 lbs 13 oz and was also 19 1/2 inches long.  Over 15 lbs of baby.  Both were perfectly healthy.  Jacob went with the babies to the nursery, while they finished cleaning me up.  Once again everyone marveled at how big and perfect the babies were, how big my placentas were (4 lbs together), and how much fluid I had in me.  They joked it was a great weight loss program.  But it was then that I found out that a miracle had occurred.

We had originally done the c-section for baby B, since he was transverse, but we probably saved baby A's life.  The likely reason he hadn't descended farther was because he had the cord wrapped around his neck twice, this normally isn't a huge deal but he also had a lot of cord around his head.  If we would have tried to deliver him vaginally there's a good chance the cord would have come first, cord prolapse, and would have cut off the oxygen to baby A.  I am actually tearing up thinking about what could have happened.  I know that because of Max acting mischievous and turning sideways, Spencer is with us today.  We were watched out for and something that I was dreading I know gladly go through so our precious new PERFECT son could be with us.  We really are so blessed.

Random Facts to Remember:

I did not throw up.  Thank heavens!

For the first few hours of life, they switched places.  We were leaning towards Max being the first twin and Spencer being the younger, so when they were born that's what Jacob called them and told all the nurses.  After we had some alone time with them we both agreed their names didn't fit.  So Spencer became baby A and Max baby B.

Recovery from a c-section hasn't been as bad as I thought, yet.  Hopefully I don't regret saying that later.  It defiantly has it's perks:  being able to walk around sooner, something I wouldn't have done with my other deliveries, not loosing as much blood afterward, and not feeling the pain vaginally.  But it does have it's cons: I'm on medication a lot longer, I had to be on a fluid fast for a couple of meals, it's a major surgery and I have this huge scar that I now have to protect from little boys.

After I made it back to my room, Jacob was still in the nursery unfortunately with my cell phone in his pocket, so I used our i pad to face time my family back at home.  Also during this time I had the chills, really bad.  So it made it kind of humorous to watch me try and tell them details while the screen was shaking and all my boys wanted to talk to me too.

During pregnancy it's hard to use your stomach muscles which makes it hard to get up and down from places and roll over at night.  After a c-section they tell you not to use your stomach muscles, so I'm just pretending I'm still pregnant for the next 3 to 5 weeks.

Proud Daddy in scrubs!

Note:  I'm not sure how some women look good in these
 pictures,  but apparently I'm not one of them.

38 weeks 2 days

Instant Best Friends

My first time really meeting my new sons

Spencer Wayne:  Born 9:54 a.m. 7 lbs 5 oz  19 1/2 inch
Max Gordon:  Born 9:56 a.m. 7 lbs 13 oz  19 1/2 inch

Pregnancy in a Recap

I know I'm going to forget what it's like to be pregnant with these twins, probably much sooner than later.  I remember when William and Ryan were about 8 months telling a friend it really wasn't that bad being pregnant with twins, then I became pregnant with twins again.  I was wrong.  So here is a reminder what it's been like.

I can still wear my maternity pants (something I couldn't do with William and Ryan) but I only have 2 shirts that are long enough to cover my massive stomach while wearing them though.  Other than that I have a pair of maternity lounging pants that go up high enough on my stomach that I'm not completely exposing my belly.  For the most part of my pregnancy, once I got fairly big, I've mainly wore large undershirts and sweaters and that has been nice and been able to cover my growing belly, until now.  Now it's a challenge to be modest.  For the past 3 months or so if I'm not in public I'm either in those lounging pants or some sweats.  If I'm going out of the house I will put on my jeans, but the minute I'm home I'll change into something more comfortable.

Last weekend I noticed that instead of the round orange shape my belly used to be it is now more of a lemon shape with a bulge at the bottom.  I was worried about what it could be until I went to my doctor who informed me he sees it often.  Apparently my stomach can retain fluid like my feet or hands do and it collects and pushes it out into a bulge.  Weird and gross. And with each passing day it seems to hurt more and more as it gets bumped and hit by counters, children, and yep even my legs...it's pretty low and big.

My stomach has gotten to be so big that I only have to lean slightly forward and my stomach touches the chair, or whatever I'm sitting on.  This makes picking something up off the floor that William and Ryan drop during meals extra hard.

Sleeping is hard, true I'm not nearly as bad as others and can usually go back to sleep when I wake up every hour or two to go to the bathroom.  But with every roll over, and with every step into the bathroom there's some sort of pain.  My doctor tells me it's just because those muscles haven't been used for a while and so when you do, it hurts.  Luckily I only have 5 more sleeps, including naps!  I sleep with 2 or 3 pillows under my head, one extra large pillow between my legs, and one for my back.  I'm pretty sure when I was pregnant with William and Ryan I had at least 2 others in there, so at least is getting better.

Getting up and down off the floor and couch, well it's a wonder I can do it.  There's pain and discomfort that has grown exponentially the past couple of weeks.

I love to feel them move.  People ask how it feels to have two move inside, the truth?  Not that much different.  Normally they only move a little bit and taking turns, there's really not that much room to do flips.  The only problem is when they both stretch and I can feel a jab way down low and one way up top; that doesn't feel too great.

My children's head go to either the middle or bottom of my stomach.  That's all they can see.  There is usually loving smudges and food around this area, and we'll just pretend it's all from the kids.  (It's not.  It's hard to eat over your plate when there's a big ball shape stopping you)  And yes, it hurts when they use my stomach to lean on or climb over.

It's getting harder and harder to bend over and clean up the floor, but luckily I have little boys to bribe.  Most nights if they pick up all the toys, garbage, and dishes off the floor they get to watch a short show, or read extra books and eat a treat.  It works most of the time.  It's amazing how well they can clean if they are motivated to do so.

Morning sickness was bad.  That time is even now like a blur, a very hard blur we came through.

Jacob and I joke that with twins there was never a point were you feel good, like normal second trimesters in regular pregnancy.  You are sick, then are so big you feel like you're in your third trimester, and then you get to your third trimester and it's that much harder.  Luckily I did have a month or so when I actually felt fairly good, not great but because I knew what was coming I knew to enjoy that time.

I've had 5 ultrasounds and 7 non-stress tests on top of my regular doctor visits with this pregnancy.

But none the less, I would do over and over again for the result of having two adorable children to cuddle.  Speaking of cuddling, here are their blankets.  I designed them and cut the fabric, mom sewed (my stomach's too big), we had someone else quilt them, and I hand sewed the binding.

 I just realized I never wrote their names in the blog, and now it seems like I should just wait until they are born, but here's a clue with their first initial.

Eye of the Storm

This is something that has been on my mind for a while and I wanted to get it down before the babies get here, hopefully it will help me through the rough times that are ahead.  Let's face there will be many, along with a lot of joyful times.

I wish I could remember where I read or watched an interview with a woman who talked about how to find Peace in our crazy lives.  She talks about how as mothers we are or need to be the eye of the storm, the peace a midst the chaos that surrounds our family.  And how that peace needs to come from within.  I loved these thoughts and started thinking more about peace. I thought of the scripture John 14:27 where Jesus says:  "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

I love a few of different parts of this verse.
1.  We can have the peace of our Savior.  Through the atonement, we can have His peace and comfort when times get rough.
2.  The peace that comes won't be what the world has to offer or what the world expects.  I think of the worldly view of peace and I think of a clean serene house where all of my children are playing happily together, there are no troubles in our lives whatsoever.  But really what our Savior's peace will do is give us the comfort and serenity while the house is a mess, the dishes are piling up, dinners are cold, kids are running around screaming and fighting, and there is uncertainty of your husband's job.  His peace will help us find the eye in the storm.
3.  He asks us to not be afraid or be stressed out when life's storms are surrounding us.  But to believe in Him.  Believe in His power in our lives.  Believe that there is purpose in our lives and all of these hard scary times will just make us stronger and help us be who we need to eventually be.  Have faith in our Father's plan and know that He will always be with you to accomplish the hard tasks.  Know you are not alone, He will be here with you.

Let's face it there's a storm raging, if not in our homes than all around our home. Times are hard.  I keep thinking, once such and such happens life will be easier.  It never is, there's always something.  How comforting to know that everything doesn't have be calm on the surface for me to feel the peace on the inside.  I also love the idea of making our home a place of peace from the storms our kids will face at school and wherever they go.  I want them to feel our Savior's peace always in our home no matter what, but the first step?  Find it myself.  Instead of trying to find the strength and peace within myself, thinking I can do it all myself.  Look upward and receive a much greater strength and power that will not only help me find the peace among the chaos but also for my family.  Have the eye of the storm in my heart and then I can radiate that peace and help my children find it themselves.