Emotions

The first couple of days after we found out we were having twins was a roller coaster of emotions.  Thursday afternoon we first saw their two little heads, hands, feet, and we were elated.  I was giddy, and shocked, but happily saying, "I'm having twins! This is so bazaar!" It was truly a surreal experience.  I talked to many family members that afternoon; then while the boys and I were waiting for Jacob to come home for dinner, it hit me.  The doubt and fear of having twin boys to raise along side my other two boys.  Steven, Christopher, and I sat down and watched Mormon Messages.  I love these so much!  Anyway I watched this one and this one, both about the priesthood and I felt a comforting Spirit reminding me this was a great privilege to raise boys, and I wouldn't be alone in the experience.  I felt oh so much better, then the evening was spent telling more family and friends.

Days two and three were the drop in the roller coaster.  There were  a lot of worried thoughts rummaging through my head and tears shed.  But yet there were bright points as well.  I read an article in the ensign by Elder Bednar about the enabling power of the Atonement.  He gives many stories from the scriptures that really touched me specifically.  He mentioned the people of Ammon who were persecuted by Amulon.  The Lord told them:

“I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs. …

“And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord” (Mosiah 24:14–15).

My situation is not going to change, nor would I want it to, but it's so comforting to know that through the Atonement and my faith, I will have help.  I'm not sure if I will be able to cheerfully submit all my will the the Lord, but through time maybe that's what it will teach me to do, I sure hope so.  

Elder Bednar also talked of Nephi, when he was bound by his brothers on the way back from Jerusalem.   Nephi asked for the strength to burst the bands that held him.  He didn't ask for his circumstances to be changed automatically, he asked for the strength to change his circumstances.  Elder Bednar goes on to say that the bands probably didn't just magically become unloosed from this hands, but rather that Nephi worked and with the strength of the Lord, was strong enough to break them.  Once again, I'm not strong enough to do this feat alone, but with the help of my Lord, Jesus Christ, and His atonement I can do it.  Will be it be hard?  Absolutely!  But I can do hard things.  And I'm positive this will bring our cute little family just that much closer.

So yes, it's been truly a whirlwind of emotions.  And I suppose it will be for the rest of my life, but doesn't that just come with motherhood?  Anyway, I appreciate all of the wonderful encouragement I've received from friends and family members.  It is a little hard to have so many people talk to me as if I've been diagnosed with cancer or something:  "I'm so sorry."  "Bless your heart, that will be so hard."  But it makes up for it when people are genuinely happy for us and tell us we can do it!  So thank you to all my friends and family for your wonderful support during this "trying time."  

My new motto is from the second Mormon Message I shared called, "Sanctify Yourselves."  by Elder Holland.  I love listening to this man and the fact that the story he's telling comes from Inkom Idaho, 40 miles away from where I grew up, doesn't hurt a bit.

"Sanctify yourselves, for tomorrow 

the Lord will do wonders among you." 

Surprise!

Last Thursday, Jacob and I set out to see the ultrasound of our new baby.  This was our first ultrasound and all I wanted to know was that our baby would be ok; I hadn't felt the baby as much as I would have liked.  For all my other kids this ultrasound was meant for us to find out the gender, but with this child I just wanted to make sure they were ok.  Plus I was positive it was a girl.  As we get there I see the woman leave who was in front of us.  You can barely tell she's pregnant and here I am looking like I'm in my 3rd trimester!  I brushed it off and we went in for our turn.  He took our information then started out low, making sure the birthing canal was free and there wasn't any signs of cancer.  He moved the wand up said, "Oh that's a surprise!"  He quickly moved it down and told me to take a deep breath.  I thought maybe I wasn't relaxed enough to get a good reading; so I did so.  Then the words that will forever change my life.

"Did we know there were TWO in there?" 

Jacob and I just looked and smiled at each other, shocked.  No we didn't know there were two in there.  We joked about it plenty, but didn't actually believe there were two there.  Then it all made sense.  That's why I'm so big and uncomfortable.  I've been feeling like I'm in my 3rd trimester not the 2nd.  I have two in there.  TWO!  It didn't take him long to realize they were the same gender, and our BOYS made it clear what that gender was!

The rest of the ultrasound was very surreal.  I was there paying attention to make sure my babies were healthy, which they are.  Both are the same size and as healthy as can be!  It's hard to tell if they'll be identical or not, but it looks that way.  We could only see one placenta and the membrane separating them, but sometimes the two placentas fuse together, which would mean fraternal twins.  We'll have to wait until they are born to actually tell.  I am relieved they are both so healthy, but my mind kept racing: can I do this?, how will we tell everyone?, can I do this?, we'll have to get another crib, car seat and who knows what else, imaging all four boys running in opposite directions at once, I'll have 4 boys under 4 and maybe under 3 if they come really early!  And in between all this was my heart telling my head,

"Heavenly Father wouldn't give them to you if He didn't think you can this."
"It will be ok.  Grandma did it, so can you."

Did you know my sweet Grandma had this same scenario?  Except her oldest was 2 1/2 when the twins were born; my dad was #2 in the line.  And truth being told, I've always wanted to be just like my Grandma when I'm her age, so I guess this is just the next step I need to take!


We are thrilled to welcome these two new additions to our families.  Of course the last few days have been an emotional roller coaster for us, but that's to be expected and will be a different post entirely.  We will go to our regular doctor, this was just an ultrasound technician, on the 1st of May to know how this will change things.  I feel like it's my first pregnancy again, I have so many questions, it's all quite knew to us.  We'll let you know how they, and us, are doing as we find out!

Things not to be Forgotten

We visited my parents a couple of weeks ago; Steven and my mom played and sang primary songs, it was very precious to me. It makes me more determined to reteach myself how to play.Christopher seems to be growing and learning new things right before my eyes.

He just learned how to go down the stairs himself. I tried to teach him to slide down on his belly for a month, but then realized he hates his stomach. So I switched to teaching him to slide down on his behind. Totally works. He goes to the edge of the stair, squats down then somehow slides his feet from underneath and sits down. It's quite amusing to watch, and I tried it today, this kid must have thighs of steel!

He can now say, as far as we know he keeps surprising us: mama, dada, nana (banana), appoe (apple), up, dow (down), boops (books), abah (a ball), ah dah (all done), uh oh, anen (amen), bubohs (bubbles), agah (again).

Yes I know his hair is ridiculously long in this picture, he received a haircut shortly after

I am 17 weeks along and am finally out of the morning sickness, better late than never!

Steven likes to insert his own words into existing songs, which I think is cute unless he's changing the words to "I am a Child of God" or other primary songs. The other day he asked me to sing him the pickle pie song. I told him I didn't know that song so he sang it for me, "a pickle pie, a pickle pie, high-ho the dairy-oh, a pickle pie-oh." Pretty good for off the top of his head.

I love conference, and I felt I especially needed it this time around. I can't wait to read and review them all, there were some powerful messages given. With two boys running around though, it's a surprise I got out of it what I did! What did I get out of it today? I can do it, with the Lord's help, I can be a good mom and wife. If I do my part to bring the Spirit into my home (read the scriptures, personal and family, pray as often as needed, seek after good things - 13 article of faith) it might be hard, but I won't totally mess things up. This is a comfort to my soul and a little nudge to do all these better so I can have that promise. I can't wait to see what tomorrow's sessions will bring.

Life is good. Not easy and restful,
but oh so good.

New

There are some new and exciting things going on in our lives, and I wanted to share them with you.

Like I mentioned earlier Jacob got a NEW JOB! We're beyond excited about it and feel quite blessed for him to have this. It's in Lehi, so we are looking into buying a house close by his work sometime around July!
With the new job we felt like we could afford a NEW VAN! We technically got it for my birthday, it's really all I wanted. It's a 2005 Town and Country with only 52,000 miles on it. It has everything we were looking for and more, Steven's favorite is the DVD player. We got a good deal on it and I'm just excited to get out of the house in the middle of the day now.

With that I am officially a Utahan. I got my NEW LICENSE in February, when I looked at the picture I thought, "Why didn't I wear make-up?" Oh ya I did, but I must have cried it all off while I was there. Long story, but I made elaborate plans to go and found out I needed my marriage certificate, which meant more extensive efforts to leave and come back. Don't worry, I won't include the photo.

We are awaiting the arrival of our NEW BABY! I know this really should be at the top, but I thought it would be more fun for you to search for it. I'm due at the beginning of September which puts me at 15 weeks. It was pretty rough there for a while, being nauseous and having a 2 year jump all over you. But we got through it and I'm hopefully on the out end of the morning sickness. We all are very excited and if you ask Steven and sometimes myself, we'll tell you it's a girl. We'll find out hopefully next month.


Christopher is our NEW talker, crawler, stair climber, potty dipping, bath loving, organizer, tantrum thrower (it's really cute though as long as you don't have to hear it all day). He has really grown up this past month or so, and I love the new stage he's moving into.


Steven is our NEW thinker, fire hydrant finder, movie loving, comedian, echo making, crazy energetic toddler. We love watching Steven grow up, our most frequent statement about Steven is, "He's a spookle (Jacob likes to make up words), but he's really a good boy."


There you have it, a lot going on, and we feel so blessed!

Control

I wouldn't call myself a control freak, but I do like planning. I live on making plans and then completing them. Unfortunately when they don't work out, I get frustrated and can't seem to enjoy myself in the "new" plan. I'm working on this though. Have been for quite a number of years, and I'm getting better. One area of my life that I do like to plan is with money. I remember when I applied for a job my sophomore year of college, I was terrified. I cried for a couple hours straight. First let me explain, I'd had plenty of jobs leading up to there, but all of them I was a shoo-in for the job: my family's lawn mowing business, cleaning a neighbor's house, working for my best friend's family owned store; you get the picture. This was the first time my fate was in someone else's hands, I did not like it. But of course through all hard things we grow and I slowly started to get better at this. But this past year was a huge test to see how much I actually learned.

At the beginning of the year, we were preparing for our new little boy and also preparing for business school later in the fall. Both of these would be quite a financial strain on us, but we thought it was well worth it and we planned accordingly. We waited for the money to empty in the bank, so we could call on more money, but it never did. The bank statements showed there would not be enough money, but somehow there was. We recognized this and counted it a HUGE blessing.

April hits and through lots of prayer and pondering; we decide that business school is not necessary. A very hard decision, but we were excited at not going into debt and being able to start making a real living. So Jacob applies for job after job while finishing his masters. July comes and brings the promise of a job. We are excited at the prospect, but feel uneasy. Again after many prayers and long talks, we settle on turning down the job in Salt Lake and stay in Provo. Where there is no job opportunities that we could see. A very scary leap of faith. At the end of August we move across town into a bigger place and hope that something will come from.

Meanwhile my planning self is driven crazy from the inconsistency of our financial situation. Once again, we should be running out of money, but yet there still seems to be enough. The smarter me would have said, "We are so blessed and our Father is taking care of us. I don't need to worry." Instead I thought about how I couldn't control it. I couldn't plan and know there would be enough. It was a hard time for me, until a wise visiting teacher gave me advice. So here's what I did.
I didn't look at our bank statements. Jacob did, but I wouldn't. For me it was giving up my need for control. It's saying to my Father in Heaven, "I know you will provide for our family as long as we are doing what we feel is right. Here is my need for control. Do with our lives what You will."

And let me tell you it's made all the difference. Jacob got an internship with a company in Springville soon after moving, but it still wasn't stable. But we had peace. We knew everything would be okay. We knew we were meant to be here. And you know once I gave up that control, my Father in Heaven started helping me with other problems I've had a hard time with. Because I was giving Him more of my self, he was able to take that and make me a better me. Now, I'm still a LONG ways from where I need to be, but I'm closer.

So why am I writing this novel now? Like I said this past year has been a learning experience for Jacob and I, we've known there was some where we needed to end up but had no clue how to get there. A month ago Jacob saw a job opening in Lehi for a position he thought he was qualified for. He called and 4 days later he was working there. It so happened his new boss and old boss are good friends and his old boss gave him an amazing recommendation; something he's sure that sealed the job for him. What's so great about this job? It's exactly what he wants to do, which for Jacob's narrow interests in mechanical engineering, is amazing. It's the first job he likes. The first job that doesn't make him go out of his mind to think of being there for more than a year, or 6 months. We feel like this is where we need to be. And thinking back to it, we were lead to this job. From connections in graduate school he got the Springville job, which in turn got him this job.

There is no way we could have known this is where we'd be a year ago. I feel so blessed for the guidance of the Holy Ghost this past year, it was oh so hard, but well worth it. I know now more than ever that my little family is known by my God. He not only knows who we are but knows where the best place for us is and will patiently make sure we get there. I have a Savior who also loves me and my family and through His grace we can better ourselves and come closer to who we were meant to be. Oh how blessed I feel to know all of this and more. Knowing this gives me control and stability in this life of inconsistency.

What can you do in an afternoon?

My husband can build a bookshelf from spare warped wood we have laying around. He's just amazing like that.
Steven adores it and tells me about once a day about his new bookshelf dad built him (we've had it for over a week). I love it because Steven can see all the books and he keeps his room cleaner. He's in the process of making more for our living room.

Christopher is 1

It's official I have a one year old, it's official because it was 11 days ago. We had a gathering that night with our family that's in the area. Unfortunately we misplaced the camera right before, so most of these pictures are from the day after. He'll never know the difference right?




Christopher is one cute boy! He brings a smile to everyone's face. He keeps his emotions on his sleeve, which can be very cute one moment, but also very loud the next. He loves to scream, whether he's happy or not. Actually one of his favorite things to do is to have a screaming war with Steven. It's hard for me to get mad, because they have so much fun with it, what can I say they're boys!

He has 13 teeth and more are coming in. He scoots on his bum to get around and get's upset with he has to use his knees. He can pull himself up on things, but hasn't quite figured out he can move along them to get places. His favorite book is "What's Up Duck", and his favorite food are bananas. His first word was 'mama', about 11 months, followed by 'dada', 'nana'(banana), and does a cute 'up' when prompted.

Christopher is such a joy to have in our family; we couldn't imagine life with out him!