It's hard, but doable. It's a thankless job, that gets paid in silly faces, snuggles, and those peaceful moments when everyone is safe and happy. It is countless hours of serving others with a few minutes here or there alone in the bathroom to do something truly for ones self, like checking facebook or e-mail, until you see a smiling face in the door urging you onto your next task. It's wanting to cry multiple times a day because you're so frustrated at life and so thankful for the lives you've been given to share.
This morning I stepped on the scale, I always record my weight on Fridays, and for the first time this year, I haven't lost anything. My goal is be at the same weight that I was when we got married for our 5 year anniversary in August. I've lost 35 lbs and still have 15 to go. Good right? Well this morning, I was completely frustrated, almost to the point of tears. I spent the morning giving myself pep talk after pep talk. It wasn't until I sat down during nap time and heard Jacob's words he said earlier today, "Cassanda, you have four boys. You're doing really good!" When I first heard it, I thought of it as an excuse. Other women seem to bounce back to their pre-pregnancy weight, but you have 4 boys so you're ok for now. But then it hit me, think of what my body has done during the past three years! It created, grew, and delivered four handsome boys into this world and then takes care of them! That is nothing to scoff at. When I think of it that way, my body is awesome! And in time it will get back to somewhat the same shape it was in before, hopefully sooner rather than later. But I haven't exactly given it much time before working on the next masterpiece.
Right now the joy in my life is taking what I've been given and finding the happiness in it. I'm trying to relish in the fact that at any given time there is someone who wants to be a little too close to me and my hair. That I have five boys that will smile at me when all I have to do is smile at them, well maybe four Steven's getting to the age where he asks, "Mom, why are you looking at me? Please stop." That there will always be toys on the floor, and it usually means happy boys. There is always dishes and laundry to do, but that just means we have enough food to eat and the kids are getting clean clothes on at least some times.
Right now I try to not stress the small stuff. My neighbors came over to see our new furniture, the house was messier than I would like, but not as bad as it could be. Something that would have caused me to start cleaning up and apologizing immediately now I realize they're moms too, they get it. Kids eat their weight in fruit loops 30 minutes before I should have dinner ready because I just need to read 10 more pages in my book. Awesome, now I just need to find dinner for Jacob and I. Steven really wants to watch another episode of Curious George? Great, I really wanted to get the chores done without it being undone two seconds later.
It kind of makes me feel like a rebel. Yes my house isn't always spotless, my kids don't always eat nutritious meals, and watch more t.v. then they should. But we are a happy, loving, functioning family, which I'm not sure could be the case if those previously stated items didn't occur.
The statement I use most often that Jacob doesn't like: "Well, I wasn't the best mom today because...." Jacob thinks it's too pessimistic and feels I'm saying I was the worst mom ever today. But I feel so often that I'm not that mom that does everything right all the time, but the one that made a conscience decision to do something I know I shouldn't have done because I thought it would make me or my family happier in the long run. A fellow mom with twins showed a mug that said, "World's Okayest Mom" And that is how I feel, I'm not the best by any means, but I'm not the worst. I'm comfortable being average. I can laugh at my mistakes and shortcomings, but I can also feel good when I hear Steven say, "No thank you, momma". Something's sinking in.
It's a roller coaster ride for sure, but one I'd gladly ride over and over again.
