I had a blog post I had been working on for about 6 months; it was a perfect way to share our story of getting our new baby whom we thought was a girl. Then it was a boy. And I haven't known what to write. And since I didn't know what to write or how much to share, I just didn't. But after a hard day being a mom I started reading my blog from a couple of years ago and was uplifted, and I realized why I write in this blog. It's to document our cute family's lives, but also to write my feelings and revelations that I receive that will hopefully help someone sometime. So here it goes, a shorter but just as meaningful post about the tiny miracles that come into our lives.
Spencer and Max were about 6 months when Jacob and I felt like we were missing someone in our family. I tried to shake it, because I was DONE having kids. I was 95% sure we were done and reserved 5% for Heavenly Father to make it strongly known to me that there was another for our family. He sent messages to me for weeks before I finally let myself really feel the need for another child. I was counting my children over and over because for some reason 6 just wasn't enough. When I finally confided in Jacob my feelings, he had been having the same ones. We were on our way to the Temple and left with the same answer. There was another child needing to come into our home, a girl. We were scared, excited, but mostly scared. Could we do it again? Could this really be best for our family? Jacob gave me multiple blessings because I really needed to know this was His plan for us before we jumped in. The blessings were powerful: He is proud of our family, but if we were willing there's plenty more spirits that need homes. Our family is coming this way for a reason, someday we'll find out why and be so glad we listened. This addition would not hinder our boys but bring love and help bind our family together. We'd receive so many more blessings that we could even be aware of if we listen to His council. After hearing these words, how could we say no.
We got pregnant much faster than either of us expected. I was tired, but my morning sickness was minimal, and we waited for our first doctor's appointment and ultrasound with much anticipation. We both felt her spirit very strongly, much sooner than we had with any of our other children. Around 5 weeks we knew her name would be Lily; I imagined her with dark curly hair and thought she'd be great friends with Max. She was not just some baby barely starting to grow, she was our daughter, our Lily. We went in at 8 weeks at the beginning of December and were thrilled to see one baby, but she was smaller than we expected and we couldn't see a clear heartbeat. We made an appointment for the next week with every intention that we'd see our cute daughter's heartbeat. But when we went back, she'd only grown a day. My body would soon miscarry our daughter. We were heartbroken, but KNEW she was ours for eternity. She was part of our family; this just wasn't our time to meet her. I had a D&C a week before Christmas and everything went smoothly. Jacob had a harder time with losing her. I believe she was giving me peace from the other side to go on and take care of our family. Jacob and I had a firm resolution that we'd try harder than ever to get our little Lily back. The first month possible we prayed and did everything we could to ensure she'd come, but all we saw was the negative pregnancy tests. This is where I lost it. No family picture was complete anymore; she had created a place in my heart that will not be filled without her. She is a part of our family whether everyone knew it or not. It was much harder than I expected it to be.
The next month happily we found we were expecting again. This time the morning sickness was stronger but not too overbearing. But the wait to 8 weeks seemed unbearable. We were convinced we were having Lily again and regularly prayed for her in our family. Sometimes Steven would stop and say, "Mom, it might not be Lily. It might be a Thomas." We'd smile at him and assure him that mom and dad knew best and we were pretty sure it was Lily. Our 8 week ultrasound confirmed that was one small growing baby. That heartbeat was music to our ears. Because of our previous miscarriage we both were always worried something would happen to our baby, but luckily we made it to 15 1/2 weeks where we paid for a gender check. I was excited to finally tell everyone we'd be having our little Lily! But ultrasounds usually like to surprise us; it was a boy not a girl.
I was shocked, confused, happy for a healthy baby, but so confused. This was not the plan I thought. I will admit there were tears shed, not because I wanted so badly a girl. I was expecting to see Lily, and instead found myself with another son. What does this mean for Lily? Will we ever get to see her in this life? I wish I knew these answers, but luckily I have more peace towards it all. Jacob and I have a few theories one leading to us never meeting Lily in this life, and another where we will. Either way we know she is a part of our family, and that our Heavenly Father knows more than we do and loves us completely. It will all make sense in the end, even if it leaves us confused now.
So I'm now almost 18 weeks and very excited for our little boy. I felt strongly that we needed to pick a name for him, get to know him better. I felt horrible that we'd been calling him Lily all this time. Who was this handsome new addition to our family? The answer came to me, Jacob feels good about it, and it looks like Steven was right all along. Thomas will be joining our family around Thanksgiving.
