My Fight Song

Since potty training the boys, it's been pretty rough at our house.  Like I said before I was emotionally and physically drained, and Jacob was right there with me.  There were a few days when I was sure I had depression and would need to get medicine to take care of myself and our family.  Luckily I thought to start memorizing scriptures each day or week and then the words of God would be in my mind instead of thoughts of failing and exhaustion.  I decided to go with scripture mastery first with 1 Nephi 3:7:  ...I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.  I repeated it over and over in my head all morning, but it wasn't until I took the kids to the park and sat in the fresh air that I received the revelation I needed.  I know the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way.  I know this is true, I've seen it over and over in my life, it was my testimony as well as Nephi's.  It brought me more peace than I had felt in weeks.  I had already said, I will go and do, and have the family Heavenly Father wants us to have, now I just needed to rely more on Him and on my testimony that everything would work out.  It might seem impossible and I may feel discouraged, but He'd prepare a way for me to do it.  Scriptures are powerful.  The next day was 2 Nephi 2:25:  Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.  As I pondered on this scripture throughout the day I found something I had never noticed before, men are that they might have joy.  We are supposed to have joy in this life.  I'm made to be happy while cleaning up after my boys, teaching them the right and wrong ways to live this life.  It's supposed to bring me joy, not just bring me headaches, tired eyes, and muscles.  Again it brought a deep peace to my spirit.

I wish I could say I went on like this, but life helped me forget and these scriptures helped buoy me up and that was enough to help me keep going for a while.  Until recently when I've noticed my back hurting more, my body not reacting to this pregnancy like I'd like.  My body is tired and so was my spirit.  All I could think of is I don't know if I can do this again, it's just too hard.  I'm just too tired.  Jacob and I talked about it (like I mentioned before, he's in the same boat) and it's not like saying just tough it out for 3 months and it will get better.  It's tough it out for 3 months, then you'll have a new born and it will get harder.  I knew I wasn't depressed this time, I was just tired and worn out.  On the way home from a doctor's appointment all by myself, thanks to my parents for watching the boys so I could go alone, I heard this song.  "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten

I'd heard it once before and liked it, and this time I thought I need to remember this for after the baby comes and I'm trying to diet and exercise to get my body back. What a great running song "...This is my fight song. Take back my life song..." It made perfect sense to me to want to fight to get my life back from having kids.  The song ended and soon another song came on that I didn't like so I changed the station and the end of this song came on again, but this time I heard it differently.  I realized my greatest impact on this world will be my children, not me having the body I did before I had them.  The words took on new meaning: "Like a small boat on the ocean, sending big waves into motion (bringing children into this world). Like how a single word can make a heart open (mama, mom, mommy). I might only have one match (life) but I can make an explosion. This is my fight song. Take back my life song. Prove I'm all right song. My power's turned on. Starting right now I'll be strong.  I'll play my fight song.  And I don't really care if nobody else believes, cause I've got a lot of fight left in me."

It has turned into my anthem. I play to myself when I'm in the bathroom and feeling discouraged.  This is my life: Jacob and the boys and all the exhaustion that goes with it, is my life.  And I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm going to fight to be happy and see the good in my days.  I'm going to take back my life from all the negative feelings and thoughts.  I'm going to prove to myself and others that I can live this life with a happy disposition.  Prove to myself that I'm stronger than I think I am, than I feel.  And it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or their opinion on how big or small our family is or how we are going to handle it.  Because I still have a lot of fight left in me.  I just needed some good old revelation from my Heavenly Father to remind me.