Control

I wouldn't call myself a control freak, but I do like planning. I live on making plans and then completing them. Unfortunately when they don't work out, I get frustrated and can't seem to enjoy myself in the "new" plan. I'm working on this though. Have been for quite a number of years, and I'm getting better. One area of my life that I do like to plan is with money. I remember when I applied for a job my sophomore year of college, I was terrified. I cried for a couple hours straight. First let me explain, I'd had plenty of jobs leading up to there, but all of them I was a shoo-in for the job: my family's lawn mowing business, cleaning a neighbor's house, working for my best friend's family owned store; you get the picture. This was the first time my fate was in someone else's hands, I did not like it. But of course through all hard things we grow and I slowly started to get better at this. But this past year was a huge test to see how much I actually learned.

At the beginning of the year, we were preparing for our new little boy and also preparing for business school later in the fall. Both of these would be quite a financial strain on us, but we thought it was well worth it and we planned accordingly. We waited for the money to empty in the bank, so we could call on more money, but it never did. The bank statements showed there would not be enough money, but somehow there was. We recognized this and counted it a HUGE blessing.

April hits and through lots of prayer and pondering; we decide that business school is not necessary. A very hard decision, but we were excited at not going into debt and being able to start making a real living. So Jacob applies for job after job while finishing his masters. July comes and brings the promise of a job. We are excited at the prospect, but feel uneasy. Again after many prayers and long talks, we settle on turning down the job in Salt Lake and stay in Provo. Where there is no job opportunities that we could see. A very scary leap of faith. At the end of August we move across town into a bigger place and hope that something will come from.

Meanwhile my planning self is driven crazy from the inconsistency of our financial situation. Once again, we should be running out of money, but yet there still seems to be enough. The smarter me would have said, "We are so blessed and our Father is taking care of us. I don't need to worry." Instead I thought about how I couldn't control it. I couldn't plan and know there would be enough. It was a hard time for me, until a wise visiting teacher gave me advice. So here's what I did.
I didn't look at our bank statements. Jacob did, but I wouldn't. For me it was giving up my need for control. It's saying to my Father in Heaven, "I know you will provide for our family as long as we are doing what we feel is right. Here is my need for control. Do with our lives what You will."

And let me tell you it's made all the difference. Jacob got an internship with a company in Springville soon after moving, but it still wasn't stable. But we had peace. We knew everything would be okay. We knew we were meant to be here. And you know once I gave up that control, my Father in Heaven started helping me with other problems I've had a hard time with. Because I was giving Him more of my self, he was able to take that and make me a better me. Now, I'm still a LONG ways from where I need to be, but I'm closer.

So why am I writing this novel now? Like I said this past year has been a learning experience for Jacob and I, we've known there was some where we needed to end up but had no clue how to get there. A month ago Jacob saw a job opening in Lehi for a position he thought he was qualified for. He called and 4 days later he was working there. It so happened his new boss and old boss are good friends and his old boss gave him an amazing recommendation; something he's sure that sealed the job for him. What's so great about this job? It's exactly what he wants to do, which for Jacob's narrow interests in mechanical engineering, is amazing. It's the first job he likes. The first job that doesn't make him go out of his mind to think of being there for more than a year, or 6 months. We feel like this is where we need to be. And thinking back to it, we were lead to this job. From connections in graduate school he got the Springville job, which in turn got him this job.

There is no way we could have known this is where we'd be a year ago. I feel so blessed for the guidance of the Holy Ghost this past year, it was oh so hard, but well worth it. I know now more than ever that my little family is known by my God. He not only knows who we are but knows where the best place for us is and will patiently make sure we get there. I have a Savior who also loves me and my family and through His grace we can better ourselves and come closer to who we were meant to be. Oh how blessed I feel to know all of this and more. Knowing this gives me control and stability in this life of inconsistency.