Change

I don't like change.  I remember in a class at BYU-Idaho, where the teacher had us go around the room and tell everyone what we were afraid of as a way to get to know each other.  I was near the end and after hearing many responses of spiders, snakes, heights.  I said:  change.  She looked at me with a perplexed face and continued on.  But it was true, I'm not a huge fan of change, even good change.  Like moving into our new home, even though I LOVE our new home and the neighborhood.  It's still hard to leave our old friends and ward members behind.  Those who we know and love and those who actually know us.  But it's been good, and I'm learning to embrace this change and trying to go out of my comfort zone.  I realize in a short time, I'm going to love this new ward as much as we loved our old one.

Another new good change is that of our adorable babies, William and Ryan.  Who are angel babies, seriously the best boys we could have asked for.  There are many days when I say to Jacob, "I don't know why so many people talk about how hard it must be for us having all of these boys.  It's really not that bad."  Then he reminds me of the other days.  The ones where I cry.  This past week has been one of those days over and over.  I find myself bursting into tears often over little things.  Overwhelmed at the task I have.  I tried to think back to a talk in sacrament meeting that's given me help before.  It was a woman who is going through cancer treatments who was talking with another who is battling cancer.  They commented, "Why not us? Why can't we do this?"  In the past I could remind myself, "why not me?  Why not me raise these four energetic boys to be respectful, polite, fun, loving boys?  I've got the skill set for it.  I can do this!" and it would get me through. But every time I started, I would just get teary eyed again.  I know I can, it's just hard.  The boys seem to know when I'm like this and it seems all the things I don't like them to do comes out strong.  Specifically this week:  Steven has been rougher with his brothers, even with me asking him 10 seconds before to be gentle with them.  Christopher has started to wet himself during the day, something I thought we were past.  William and Ryan have needed my attention a little bit more.  It has just been hard to try all day to help them to find at the end of the day nothing has been changed.

Yesterday night was one of these times.  Christopher came to me with his pants around his ankles because they were wet, probably poopy as well.  I went to the bathroom to get him cleaned up, but realized I would need wipes.  I went to get a new container, of course I'd have to open a new box.  Frustrated, I went to the kitchen to get something sharp to cut the box open, when I saw Steven roughly playing with Ryan's hair.  I lost it.  I yelled Steven's name, I hardly ever yell, so this sent us both to tears.  The rest of the night came quickly, and soon I was talking to Jacob about everything I was feeling.  How hard being a parent is and all the frustrations I had been feeling.  Like a good husband, he just held me tight and confirmed that yes, indeed it was tough.  I told him how I just didn't know how to change the boys' behavior.  How can I make Christopher listen to me and go to the bathroom in the toilet instead of his underwear.  How can I make Steven be kinder to his siblings?  I honestly didn't know how to do it.

Well today, I woke up to the same feelings.  I prayed that I would know how to help them.  Church started out well but by the end of sacrament meeting I was frazzled, it's amazing what going 5 minutes over can do.  It didn't help my mood that Steven came out of the men's bathroom without his shoes, pants, or underwear on.  I went into Sunday school worried I would again burst out crying, I could feel the tears coming.  Luckily I was able to suppress them, and get my mind on the lesson.  Relief Society started with my silent prayer to know how to fix what was wrong in my home, then we sang the hymn, I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go.  I sang and felt power in the words, "I'll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in thine.  I'll go where you want me to go."  I knew I could do this, it would be hard, but with the Lord's help, I could do it.  I need to be humble and ask all day long for help.  Then the sister passed out cards with different scriptures on them, mine came from Ether 12:27: "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness.  I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."   It was all clear.

I was trying to change Steven and Christopher, but what I really needed to do was to change myself.

It was actually a relief.  I can change myself, I can control that.  I can't control my children, but I can control how I react to the choices of my children.  That is what had changed this week.  I had no patience and little love to show to a child who needed guidance.  These are the things I can change.  Hopefully it will help.  I know the road is not going to be easy from here, but I hope it will be more enjoyable.

I've loved taking the time this holiday to think of our Savior's life.  His life was very difficult, but in the stories we can see so much joy.  How grateful I am of His life, death, and resurrection   Because of Jesus Christ's atonement, I can change.  Not only can I change, but I can receive help throughout this process.  I know that Christ is the Son of God, that through His atonement I can better myself and hopefully one day live with Him, our Father in Heaven, and my family.  My wonderful crazy family.