Real Life

A few days ago I woke up depressed, way more than I have in a long time.  I felt overwhelmed by the tasks ahead of me.  The things I did over and over and over again that didn't really make a difference; I clean up and it's messy again, I feed them and they need more food, I change them and they need more changing...  I felt disconnected to my family, I figured anyone could do these tasks for my young children and they wouldn't know the difference.  I wasn't sure why I was usefull anymore.  Luckily I have a great family that helped me get out of that state of mind.  Jacob told me specific things that only I can do for our boys, I rocked both Max and Spencer to sleep rather than letting them fall asleep in their crib, William and Ryan gave me multiple kisses, Christopher gave me a tackle hug, and Steven lost his first tooth.  All of these things pulled me back in to why this life, my life, is important.  As I was writing in my journal of my experiences throughout the day I wrote the words, but this is real life.  And it made me think these past couple of days what that really means.

As weird as it seems I think I was living in an alternate universe where I expected perfection.  My Heavenly Father expected my young boys to be perfect, my house, my relationships with others, and myself to be perfect.  There was a little wiggle room, but for the most part I should be able to achieve that.  I know it sounds so silly, but I honestly think in the back of my head I thought it was true.  Hearing the words Real Life, helped kick me back to reality.  Where toys on the floor are a usual occurrence, it's okay.  The boys want to watch another show and I want some more peace of quiet, awesome.  My kitchen floor hasn't been mopped in who knows how long, it's not going to hurt anyone.  Real Life isn't about perfection.  It's about being perfectly imperfect.  It's about realizing that you can't do it alone, you HAVE to ask your Savior for help.  And even when He helps, it's not going to be this idealistic situation, it's going to be more real life.

I've recently been reading a book for mothers that I loved when Steven was little.  It first talked about being in the moment and not just going from one task to another.  It's a nice idea I thought, but unrealistic for me.  I have to be constantly thinking ahead, anticipating everyone's next needs.  Good thought, but not for me.  But it bothered me that I wasn't like that.  I don't want to merely survive, I want to thrive.  I want to enjoy this journey.  Tonight while watching a show where a main character goes back in time to help herself and her family, I started to think what my future self would think if she came back to this time in my life.  I think she'd LOVE it.  I think she'd miss the noise, the chaos, the sheer cute and funny things our boys do all. the. time.  I think she'd relish in the fact that everyone she holds so dear in her heart is safe in our home.  That she has control over so much of what is impacting her children.  I think she'd tell me to slow down.  Be more real.  The dirty floors, laundry, toys, and food, thrown every where, it's all part of the scenery.  These boys are too precious to be side stepped for something that will just get undone in another 10 minutes.  I think she'd tell me, yes it's very hard.  BUT it's all you've got and it's going to change all too soon.  So embrace the mess, chaos, and noise because that's Real Life.