Continue Moving Forward

I've wanted to write more in this blog.  Ever since, we found out we were having another set of twins, I saw myself writing more here; giving the ups and downs through it all.  But first I needed to finish my class, which I got a B+ for my final grade! Prayers are answered everyone.  Then I realized that I'm still tired at the end of the day.  (A while back Jacob was reading through my recent journal entries and asked if my life was as depressing as it sounds.  I realized when I write in my journal at night, I'm tired and usually don't remember all the cute wonderful moments motherhood had to offer me that day.)  So here is my attempt to rekindle my love of motherhood, I want to write about the ups and downs of my days so I can look back and remember just how funny it is, not just that I survived it.

Tonight Jacob has a meeting and I'll be honest I was excited for the time alone in the quiet.  As I was about to put on a show to clean up to, the thought came that I should turn on a conference talk instead.  I haven't done this in a long time, but my mind wandered back to this summer when I frequently cleaned up while listening to the words of the prophets.  It made me remember the night I received revelation to put our family's lives more in the hands of the Lord.  I realized in all of my days recently of just trying to survive, I was forgetting to thrive in this wonderful life.  Something that I know I can do, with His help.

I remember the night actually quite well, I was listening to President Uchtdorf's talk he gave to the Young Women in April of 2013 call, "Your Wonderful Journey Home."  I had just finished cleaning the kitchen and was moving on to the mudroom to fold laundry.  He was telling this remarkable story of how his family escaped East Germany during the war, and I was completely enthralled.  I suppose you should know that a few months before this, Jacob and I had been discussing whether to add to our family or not.  We like having our children close in age and it was starting to get to the point where would need to decide if that's what we wanted.  But we didn't know if that's really what we wanted.  We were fine with just having our four cute boys, we love them dearly and well they were keeping us busy.  BUT we also wanted to know what was best for our family, what Heavenly Father wanted for us.  If we were going to have 1 or 2 more we would want them closer rather than 5 years later, but once again we were okay with just our family of 6.  So fast forward past many prayers and thoughts and asking what was right, I was sitting folding laundry and listening to President Uchtdorf talking about our journey through this life and how it's different for everyone.  And it came to me.  Quietly, but profoundly.  "Put your future in My hands, everything will be okay." My answer had come; I talked to Jacob that night, he was shocked and a little scared, but we agreed to pray, fast, and attend the temple to secure my feelings/thoughts.

I know people probably think we're crazy, and we are, don't get me wrong.  When we found out we were pregnant again, I was shocked.  I really didn't expect it to happen so soon IF it happened at all.  But I also happened to know that God was in charge, He would not let us fail or give us something that was going to ruin our cute family.  I was at peace with it.  Then we found out we were having twins again.  Two glorious, healthy babies.  When I think of this time in my life, I know it was only 7 months ago but it seems longer, I wish I could say I was always optimistic and faithful, but I wasn't. There were tears shed and a blessing given.  But I also think of the song, I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go, we sang at church shortly after we found out.  "It may not be on the mountain top, or over the stormy sea, it may not be on the battle front my Lord will have need of me.  But if, by a still, small voice he calls to paths that I do not know, I'll answer dear Lord, with my hand in thine: I'll go where you want me to go."

Now we are at the end of the pregnancy journey and I was sad to realize how much I've retreated inward instead of upward.  I know from experience that I need my Father's help now more than ever. It's almost as if I've been standing still Spiritually, instead of moving forward with a renewed faith that everything will work out for best.  But luckily I've learned that I can start fresh, starting tonight.  Tonight is a new night and tomorrow is a new day where I can pray more fervently, invite Him into my life more fully, love my children more dearly, and continue moving forward through this journey that is my life.